Growing as a person.

Hey guys! 

This post is gonna be a tad different from my other ones. I'm one of those people who always keeps themselves to themselves and doesn't really put information out there or past experience unless they are positive ones. I believe that when you read a blog post you want it to be fun, entertaining and bubbly but sometimes once in a while you need to just let everything out and it does you the world of good.

Year 13 is done. I have been wanting to say that for soooo long and I can finally say it! Recently I have been thinking about the school life I had and it got me thinking about everything from being in primary to making that first big step into high school, making the decision on what I wanted to do as I hit year 11 and what I want to do with my future. Starting a new chapter in life if you want to call it that is exciting but at the same time scary.

In primary school I was never the girl who would be sat in a circle with a bunch of girls talking, braid hair and playing pat-a-cake. I have always found that the company of lads is much better. You have less drama and less bitching which was nice. I moved school when I hit year 3 which i believe was a great move on my moms behalf so well done mom! Being in a class of 30 was nice, even though there was the split in groups (you know what I mean the popular kids etc) we all got along and let's say we're civil for the most part haha! Sometimes things weren't so nice. I got bullied a lot in primary school and also in secondary school which I will talk about later on but being a child I didn't really let it bother me and just carried on with being who I wanted to be.

Secondary school came along and nearly all my friends who I had made in primary we're coming along with me for the ride which I was excited about, knowing that the people you had cherished the company of for 3 years where going to be there for another 5 seemed amazing! High school is a scary place when your a year 7. Everyone is taller and more school wiser than you. They know how the place works and who to talk to and who not to talk to. The first couple of years of my high school experience where not that great. Like I said before I was bullied and that made it super hard for me to want to get out of bed in the morning and go into school. Being called names because of your appearance is horrendous and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It makes you feel like shit and like your worth nothing. My mom was and still is one of the main reason I can do things and see the light at the end of the tunnel, I wouldn't be the person I am today without her and of course my wonderful dad to tell me jokes and make me smile when I am down. 

Friends are a complicated subject to do with school. I stayed in one group for most of my school life because they were in my lessons. The group were a tad bitchy, it seemed to get worse towards the end of our schooling days which was to be expected everything would come out in the end meaning a friendship didn't have to carry one. I spoke to these girls for 5 years and I speak to none of them now. I knew they would never be life long friends and if I'm honest didn't really want them to be. I know that sounds mean and I don't intend it to but they were just school friends and that was it. 

I got to around the age of 14/15 maybe and I thought I had found someone who would be my life long friend who would always be there for me and would always care. I spent a lot of time with this girl and honestly had the an amazing time. We went on holiday, went to to concerts, have sleepovers etc. This girl was more like my sister than a best friend as I classed her. One day out of the blue I was told that we were no longer friends that she felt like she was being trapped in our friendship and spending that much time with someone was unhealthy. We drifted apart and that was the end of that. I guess. Life long best friend was gone! It was hard to come to terms with it honestly it was like your left arm had been taken away. Okay not that dramatic but it was still heart breaking and not nice. 

Girls can be bitchy like I said at the beggining of the post and it's not nice. People who you think and believe are your friends could turn out not to be and just be backstabbers within a snap of a twig. Its a strange and horrible feeling to know how much you trust them and they go and talk about you behind your back. Many thing were said as a joke and a couple of things were from the heart but people have feelings and if they are kept bottled up for too long then you are just a ticking time bomb of hate ready to explode at any point. It's not nice to be sitting round a dinner table and everyone treating you like an outsider because of your feeling and opinions, girls can be bitchy but so can boys so I guess we are all as bad as each other.

I have spoken to a couple of people on twitter who seem to be having problems with people they call friends In high school. I always say to them that they need to take a step back and look at the friend or friends they are having a problem with. I feel that if you feel uncomfortable around them or don't act like your true self around them it's not worth your time or effort. I spent 5 years not fully being myself and it's not nice believe me. I wish I could go back and be the person I wanted to be and be me to the fullest! If you don't see them being life long friends what is the point in trying. Don't put your heart and soul into something you feel will never work. 

My decision to go to sixth form was not an easy one. I had been back and forth with the idea for months and months and honest just got to the point where I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and carrying on with education was the only answer I would find. I didn't want to be one of those people who came out of education and just went straight into working fully time or went on the dole. I love having a break from time to time but I couldn't be sitting on my backside all day everyday. 

Sixth form has possibly been the best and worse choice of my life. I regret a few things but they couldn't be changed. One thing I am thankful for in my life at sixth form were friends. One left half way threw the two year course which sucked and two of them didn't even come to sixth form after year 11 they moved on to do things they were wanting a career in. I have the best group of best friends I could ask for. I know I can go to them if anything was wrong, I can fangirl my heart out and at least one of them would understand me, spending time with them is all that matters to me at this moment in time, all of them but one are going to university and I'm honestly going to miss them, I'm going to have to start saving up to put petrol in my little car to drive down the motorway to see them with Jess! They will be bored with seeing us by the time they have finished haha! 

And the future... Who knows what that holds? I have a few things I wanting to do and have plans for which you guys will read about closer to the time but for now the future is a mystery and is hopefully filled with happiness, friendship and love.
I am happy with where my live is at the moment. I have a wonderful group of 5 close friends and they are all amazing and unique in there own way! I'm going to miss them when they go away and it will leave me and my bestie Jess here to have all the fun, adventures and concerts while they are off educating themselves!
Writing this post is possible one of the best things I have done in a while and has allowed me to let go of the past and get excited for the future!

"It's lonely at the top and that's why I plan to take all of you with me" - Conor Maynard

Cheeky quote to end this whole things off.

I know this was bit different but I hope you like it? :)

Take care

Post soon x